A Smiling Young Widow

I started my grief journey filling notebooks as if I was talking to Tom. I think it was a couple days after the funeral that I first tried writing. I was floating. I had no idea what to even do with a day. I no longer had to do any planning for the funeral and I was in no state to tackle any other “death admin” tasks at that point, so what to do with myself? I desperately missed talking to Tom, wishing I could at least just phone quick or text him.

I started scribbling feverishly to get the deepest thoughts out of my head as a way of trying to process, as if we were still able to have a conversation. And I mean scribble – like some days I can’t even make out my own writing when I look back. It served its purpose though. I have learnt everything needs to be acknowledged, every emotion needs its moment to be felt and processed or it’s not going anywhere.

A few times I ripped out pages from my notebook and burnt them, hoping that a physical let-go could help move some of my internal stuff too. I’ve found a determination inside of me that I will feel all the emotions of this grief, as terrible and raw as it often is, with the hope that I can find a way to heal.

I started writing on this site as a way to move thoughts out of my head without the hand cramps and scribbles. I’m not so much addressing my writing just to Tom anymore (now I talk to him a lot instead, despite the odd looks from our dog Franklin). I keep reading about how “grief illiterate” our society is. I’m unfortunately enlightened AF now, so maybe I should be sharing a bit of this experience? Maybe people will read it, maybe not. Maybe one day my words can help another young widow.

I read through the book Resilient Grieving by Dr. Lucy Hone – one of her key lines is to ask yourself “Is this helping or hindering my grieving process?” I will probably consider the answer to that question again after things get flowing a bit here, but for now I figure it feels right to share.

I’ve shared a bit on social media since Tom died. My posts have been more personal than ever before (well maybe not counting back in the early facebook era where we’d share all sorts of play-by-play moments from our days). I have struggled a bit with whether to post at all, and when I share anything “fun” I catch myself wondering hmm am I am making this young widow life look too fun? Because trust me, it seriously sucks. Social media can be such a highlight reel. It’s a tool for presenting everything nice and wrapped up in a bow (and I honestly kind of like that – before Tom died I posted almost exclusively highlights of travelling, outdoor adventures, or family events).

The idea of blogging is to have a space for me to give a bit more of the raw experience. I don’t post pictures on social media when I’m breaking down, when I haven’t been able to bring myself to cook or shower that day, when I have tears streaming down my face as Frank runs around the house looking for Tom again. That is the stuff that I think is just too depressing. No one needs to see that in their feed while they’re dealing with their own crap. However, if someone wants to read it then this is the space to offer that. I also am constantly looking at old photos and everything reminds me of a Tom story, so this is a good place for me to share some of those memories too.