A Smiling Young Widow

I wrote about some of my experiences dealing with admin tasks after Tom died. Here’s a part two where I’ll share a bit of my advice, from the <almost> other side.

For everyone:

Here are some tips of things I’d highly suggest everyone take care of just in case. I totally get that no one wants to think of their loved ones dying. Getting a few things in order can make a huge difference if you do end up facing a worst case scenario though.

• Beneficiaries: Maybe a year before Tom died I was driving home and heard a radio interview about how important it is to update your beneficiaries, that it helps avoid taxes being paid if money has to flow through the estate and makes admin easier… something along those lines. I came home and was like oh Tom we really ought to look at all our accounts. Yup great idea he agreed. We started to make a list of our different assets.  We did work on a will… that sat in emails waiting for signatures… in our minds that was going to override anything with beneficiaries (it actually wouldn’t have been that easy is some scenarios). Well, now I could be interviewed on that radio show as the person telling others to go look into their beneficiaries. If you’re reading this… go check your beneficiaries on everything, find the right paperwork, heck set a yearly calendar alarm to make sure they are up to date.

• Make a will: Take the time to do a will. Actually get it signed… not leaving it as a draft in emails like we did… I guess it was helpful that I am confident in knowing what we had planned and what Tom wanted, but there’s been so many phone calls where I have to say “no we didn’t have a will actually” and it turns into much more hassle. Especially if you have kids, make sure your intentions are down in a will.

• Passwords: Have a list of accounts, passwords, etc so that someone trying to navigate through admin with a grieving brain might have a chance! We did actually have a complete list of our accounts and I had all of Tom’s passwords. We always joked that I was his personal secretary. Like there was probably a better chance I’d be able to get into his online accounts than he would. I was the one who filed away any important documents. So that was actually a big help in this!

• Shared ownership? If you’re married or common-law, it might be worth considering putting both people on land titles and vehicle ownership. We also never got around to that. I think a will would have helped navigate this… but I didn’t even know you could say, have two names on a vehicle registration. Luckily the house we live in was in both of our names. And we had separate bank accounts. I read about a widow who all of a sudden didn’t have access to any money after her husband died, as it turns out their “shared” account actually was in his name and had her as a secondary so everything was now part of the “estate”.

For fellow widows (or likely others too) dealing with post-death admin:

• There’s no rush: Despite the people that will call or mail with deadlines, most times there’s actually no rush. I got better at leaving emails be, or putting paperwork into a basket until I was in a headspace that I could tackle it a bit. And also be prepared that it’s going to be a long process… there was one week last month where I called a bank every day for a week trying to get an answer before the RRSP deadline. Set your expectations seriously low. 

• Don’t start any admin in-person: Send emails whenever you can. Next up phone. Avoid going in person out of the blue. It is seriously not fun to have to tell multiple people about how your husband is dead as they pass you along to the next person who might be able to help. Especially in-person, when you’re barely holding it together. My preference now is to get to the right department with emails or phone calls first. (Tip if you’re in Canada, the different departments don’t talk – they know by SIN number when you report someone dead, but that doesn’t get passed along to taxes. I didn’t know that until the thick of tax time and was scrambling. You can go in online to make yourself an account to “register a client” and then submit documents there, saving yourself a lot of phone time!)

• Go easy on yourself!  I have learnt to give myself grace. I’m not myself. I’ve been reading fine print on government forms – they are brutal – I am a highly educated person and it is a strugggle to make sense of the instructions. I need to remind myself this would be hard for anyone to get through, never mind that my brain is busy glitching out trying to find Tom still. I have shown up for appointments at the wrong time or total wrong day (old me NEVER did that). Don’t expect yourself to remember anything – the brain is in a fog and cognitive delays are proven to accompany grief. I’ve learnt to write things down and set reminders for everything.
  (Though funny story … this week I have a name written down in my calendar for 11:00 on Wednesday… I have no idea who this person is or what I might be supposed to do… so even with calendar reminders, still needing to give myself grace!)

• Work with people you can trust: If possible, find someone you or others trust to work with. Like lawyers, accountants, realtors, etc. Ask around. You have to put a lot of confidence in someone doing their job right and it’s a really vulnerable time. You’re likely going to get a lot of conflicting information or answers.

• Try not to look too long-term: It was/is scary to be left living our shared life with only one income. I’ve often said to people how lucky I am to have my own career and income, but it was still scary to transfer all expenses to come out of my account and think how am I gonna do this?! But along the same lines as my point above – don’t let anyone rush you, and that includes yourself! Don’t look far ahead, that is too overwhelming. Do what you gotta do now. There’s time to figure the rest out. If you have rainy day savings, well this is a typhoon. As a bit more time has passed I have been able to convince myself that at some point down the road I will actually become a fully contributing member of society again. I needed to stop myself spiralling. This is a terrible storm to weather. Things will get figured out in time.

If you are in a job where you are interacting with grievers:

Well I already appreciate that you are reading this blog and looking to understand! 

• Be nice, but not too nice: A lot of people I had to talk to were really rude. There was one phone call with a credit card company where she basically told me off for not having a will. Most people actually don’t have one. I was so close to flipping her off with some expletives and telling her to call me back when her spouse died! Some people have been wonderful too. I had to last-minute defer an exam I was supposed to write and the email back said they’d found Tom’s obituary online to save me sending it, and what a great person he sounded to be. That was nice. I had a phone call where the person was a bit over the top trying to being compassionate – she’d also found Tom’s obituary herself to save as proof of death but then was going on about the beautiful picture, commenting on things he liked to do, asking questions about how long we’d been together and how I was managing. That was a bit much. She was still a stranger and I was just trying to keep my emotions at bay to get something cancelled.

• Realize the emotion that goes along with EVERYTHING: Phone calls, meetings, and really everything a griever has to do – the grief is coming along too.
  I work as a dietitian and I’ve talked about food with people for over a decade. I like to think I’m pretty empathetic and understanding. I’ve changed my approach through the years to be more considerate of what people might be dealing with. Now I have a whole new grief lens from living it firsthand. At an appointment with another healthcare professional, I was asked about about my typical diet and if I meal prepped. I started to cry, that was what broke me. I did meal prep, for Tom, all the time. Sure for myself too, but there was always the idea of making extra for him to take on the road. Stock up on sales. He ate a lot! I taught him to meal prep and have all these recipes we used to make together.
  
  There’s so many places grief touches.

Note –  I have no legitimate credentials to offer my advice here, just my own lived experience. I have seriously considered going back to school to become an accountant or financial advisor though. This has been brutal to navigate and others shouldn’t have to deal with this too. It has often felt like no one else has ever died before!