A Smiling Young Widow

April 7th is green shirt day, a day to talk about organ donation. Well I unfortunately have much more experience with organ and tissue donation now.

I remember quite clearly the conversation where the ICU doctor told me Tom’s brain was never going to recover. We had still been holding onto a sliver of hope that with time things could improve. He was such a kind doctor. He showed me the different CT scans to help it sink in, to help it make sense. Our Tom was no longer there. Then he said it was time to think about comfort measures and asked me, “what do you want to do?” Impossible. What I wanted to do was to wake up from this horrible nightmare and be back at home with my strong, healthy, 36-year-old husband (I still wake up thinking that). Instead, I sobbed out the question of whether we would be able to donate his organs. That lead us to a plan for how Tom’s life would end.

Since then many people have talked about the impact of “my decision”. Tom and I had talked about organ donation before, how if either of us were to go we would want as much of our bodies as possible to be shared with other people or with research. In that moment it really wasn’t a big decision to make, it just felt like the next step to take on this horrible journey at the hospital. I knew without a doubt that Tom’s selfless and caring ways were meant to live on.

My advice – have a quick conversation about organ and tissue donation with your loved ones. No one ever wants to imagine being in a position like I was. However, you really would not want to be in that situation with any shadow of doubt about what the right decision is.

I knew that the worst day of my life, would be the best day for so many other families. People were getting “the call” they were waiting desperately for. I’ve received a few letters since updating on where Tom’s organs went, and a couple personal notes from recipients. A child who was back to his energetic little self outside of the hospital after receiving a kidney transplant (how the heck our big Tom’s kidney fit in a kid was a mystery to the organ donation coordinator too!) A young guy who talked about being on death’s doorstep, but was now back to work and his regular life after the liver transplant. He shared about the enjoyment in little things like sharing a cup of tea and waking up next to his wife. That was tough to read. So glad he could have his life back, yet what I wouldn’t give to be back to having a Bengal Spice tea with Tom on the couch together or over a game of Rummy (that was a typical night for us, we lived a real wild life).

It truly is incredible the number of people that can be helped with organ and tissue donation. I knew a bit about organ donation – the heart, lungs, liver, pancreas, kidneys, even sometimes the intestines. Corneas are transplanted so someone can see again. I did not know about the extent of tissue donation – foggy on details but I believe the tissue harvesting surgery took like 12 hours. They harvested skin, valves, bones, tendons – helping something like 50+ people and lots of these tissues can be stored for 5 years until they are needed by the right match.

I still am not sure just how much comfort I get personally from knowing Tom’s death was able to help other people. I think it’s hard to process really, as it’s still so fresh for me. I’m so glad the recipients got the call they desperately needed that day. Powerful to think about. Yet, Tom still had to die. For other people, the organ and tissue donation piece has been a big source of comfort in this journey of grieving Tom. I do know that it was absolutely the right thing to do though, for even a little bit of sense to come out of a senseless death.

(Note – Big Tom – writing that made me chuckle. If you say it with a Scottish accent, it is more the endearing nickname my grandpa assigned to Tom that took off in the family, though sometimes not his favourite nickname!)